Rite of Passage

Strike of the Day: Trash Collectors

Many people don’t understand just what an ordeal it is to walk down a sidewalk here in Buenos Aires. You seriously put your life on the line. Let me begin with the fact that half of the time I never know what street I'm on because either there is no street sign or if it exists it's sawed in half. So after getting excited about the fact that there actually is a street sign, everyone knows I'm a tourist when I make five circles around it just to make sure it's not bent. Out comes the 'Guia T'.

As I continue walking, it becomes evident very quickly that every dog owner thinks that the sidewalk is the perfect place for man’s best friend to take care of business. They also believe that leaving the product there must add to the overall aesthetic beauty and sweet scent of this city. The sidewalks are such a minefield that I spend no time actually looking where I’m going but rather spend all of my time feeling like Indian Jones trying to work his way through the Temple of Doom. I must mention though that the dogs are considerate; they only take care of business on one half of the walkway. Someone give them a medal!

Speaking of dogs, it is not uncommon to see professional dog walkers roaming the streets with anywhere from one dog to a number in the mid-teens. The legal limit per dog walker is the stuff of legend; I’ve heard anywhere from 9 to 14. I use the number of dogs to measure prestige, skill and overall ability of the walkers. If you’ve got double-digit dogs, you’re pretty high on the totem pole and you've earned my respect.

Before you devote all of your time to looking out for dog turds, you have to keep an eye on what’s in front of you. Especially if you’re tall. The awnings in front of stores don’t really take into account anyone over 6 feet. They generally have a metal pole run through them to hold them down in the wind, which is all well and good, but when that pole is about 6’2” off the ground it’s a little problematic. For reference, that comes square between the eyes on yours truly. I haven’t hit one yet, but if I do I think I’ll be laid out like a linebacker takes out a wide receiver running across the middle.

Once you’ve made it past the awning, the sidewalk comes back into play. The sidewalks in Buenos Aires change style with every building, as does the quality. More often than not it’s in the tile style, which is great. However, many times these tiles are loose, and stepping on one puts Old Faithful to shame. To cap it off, as I start spewing Spanish I look down and notice that I hit a mine in the dung minefield, and I just walk away defeated. I’ve shown up to class with one leg completely soaked from a shooting jet of water displaced by the tiles. No one asks any questions; I think everyone understands.

Some people just don’t even want to brave the sidewalks, and they order their coffee and medialunas to be delivered. So as I’m busily navigating geyser central, I have to avoid the waiters in full tuxedos with trays carrying fine china and croissants. They march down the street as if they were headed over to the corner table by the window. Someone give that guy a good tip, because he’s moving twice as fast as I am and getting there with clean shoes.

When I finally have time to look around (i.e. when I’m standing still at a stoplight before seriously risking my life by trying to cross the street), I notice that the sidewalks are full of people selling everything under the sun. That's after I see 5 same-line buses in a caravan go by and stop at the bus stop which is a sticker stuck to a street lamp. There are the newspaper guys who sell all of the regular dailies and every magazine known to man, the 24-hour flower shops who’s flowers never seem to go bad or wilt no matter what time of day or day of the week, the peanut roasters who make the world's best roasted peanuts, the strawberry stands that are basically just what seem like leftover strawberry crates propped up against the wall, and the people selling toys that wouldn’t make the Happy Meal Set at McDonalds next to knock-off nike socks and phone chargers. It really is a busy place with people from all walks of life. There is never a dull moment; I could walk the streets of Buenos Aires for hours.

If you can walk a block unscathed, you've successfully become part of the porteño lifestyle and culture. Welcome to the party.